The Sweetest Valentine
by Blade of Justice
Summary: Finding herself granted the miraculous luck of being in the same place as Bernkastel on Valentine's Day, Lambdadelta decides that something special needs to be done for the occasion, and something even more special needs to be given... Needless to say, it's certainly going to be a day to remember.


For many, Valentine's Day is a terribly terrifying day. It is a day for women to gather their wits and all their mettle and deliver chocolates to those that they care about, in the hopes that, come White Day, their affections will be returned. Even amongst witches and demons, this is still something that is true — as the Seven Stakes of Purgatory could certainly attest to from their own experiences with the holiday. No matter who or what one is, Valentine's Day just seems to have that sort of effect on people.

When it came to the likes of the Witch of Miracles and the Witch of Certainty, on the other hand... Well, conforming to the norm was rarely something they _ever_ typically engaged in, and celebrating Valentine's Day couldn't possibly be an exception to that, could it?

It turns out that they would be finding out the answer to that question very, very soon.

It was a rarity for the two of them to be in the same area when Valentine's Day struck. The two witches, always traveling, always wandering, always looking for something to cure them of their ceaseless boredom, would often spend a seemingly endless amount of time apart from one another. It made those chance encounters, those world shattering occurrences when they would reunite once more all the more thrilling.

As it happened, the most recent occurrence was overlapping Valentine's Day. In just a day, less than twenty four hours, the pair would still be in the same place, at the same time, while that oh so delightfully dreadful holiday that made mortals and even those above everywhere wretch was being celebrated throughout all of the various worlds — including the one they were currently playing in.

While she had no idea what, if anything, the Witch of Miracles might be doing for the holiday, the Witch of Certainty was another matter entirely. As far as she was concerned, it was simply not something worth passing up! Who knew when the next chance would come? Imagine, just imagine if this was the only time their paths would ever cross on Valentine's Day...! It made her cackle in delight.

Would Bern do nothing to celebrate their being together on this day? Most would find the idea devastating, but just picturing what Bern might say or do as she might nonchalantly dismiss the holiday simply made Lambdadelta cackle in delight and anticipation. Bern coldly ignoring her and slowly, one word at a time, ripping out any hopes she might have for the holiday had like she was ripping out Lambda's hair straight from her scalp would be _much_ better as a Valentine as any old _chocolate_...

Oh... But what if Bern actually _did_ do something? This idea too made Lady Lambdadelta delighted — for if Lady Bernkastel, the famed Witch of Miracles _did_ choose to partake in this holiday, but Lambda outdid still outdid her — and make no mistake, the great Lady Lambdadelta could say with certainty that she **_would_** outdo anything Bernkastel had in mind, if anything — and if they _never_ met on Valentine's Day again...?

_She would be able to have that over Bern's head **forever**._

Now _that_ would be the best Valentine Bern would _ever_ be able to give her — and Lambda? It was one she would make _sure_ to give to Bern again and again and _again_.

With this in mind, Lambdadelta had worked especially hard this year on her Valentine's Day delight, made with all the _love_ in her heart _just_ for Bernkastel. After all, how could she not? She never knew when, or if, she would ever have another chance to give her detestable beloved something on this day! How could she not do her best to take advantage of it — of _Bern_?

Lambdadelta wasn't the most homely sort of woman, no — of the witches, that was probably dear old Beato — but she _did_ know her way around a kitchen more than well enough for the task that she so wished to complete now. She happened to have the perfect recipe for her dear Bernkastel, and it was as simple a recipe as it got. Chocolates, candies, milks and nuts, knives and spatulas, needles and threads, some doodads and knickknacks to put it all together again, and some _cute_ and _pop_ wrapping that looked just like her dress to complete the perfect package!

For hours, just like the witches in all the stories that mommies tell to the gullible little children of the world, Lambda toiled away in the kitchen, mixing and slicing and tasting and dicing and sweetening and making sure her Valentine would be perfect for her Valentine.

And at long last... Lambda finished. She wiped her brow with the back of her arm, not at all minding the chocolate that was smeared on her forehead as she did, a wild, eager smile already on her face despite there still being so much time before she would get to give this lovely gift to her Bern.

This would be a Valentine's Day to remember.

She was _certain _of it.

"**_Kyahahahaha...!_**"

* * *

"Bee~eern."

"Stop it."

"Beeeeeeeern! Look at me, would you? I _have_ something for you."

"_Fine_, just stop poking me or else I'll give your fingers to Erika when she gets back."

"_Whaaaaat!?_ If you're going to cut them off, at least take them for yourself!"

Despite the smirk Lambda's reaction elicited from her, Bernkastel could only sigh as she finally set her teacup down on the coffee table before her. The whining blonde had been pleading for attention like an ignored dog for the past five minutes, and it was clear how much she was enjoying Bernkastel finally looking her way — as if she ever looked anywhere else. _Really_, Lamba... It was simply that considering how _annoying_ Lambdadelta had been acting today, she wasn't so sure if she wanted anything to do with whatever the other witch had planned... Well, if it wasn't boring, she could live.

Some days ago, in a moment of extreme boredom, Bernkastel had dumped two dozen pounds of rice onto a beach and ordered Erika to retrieve every single grain of rice using only chopsticks and the bathing suit Bernkastel had made her change into before leaving. Knowing her furniture as she did, Bernkastel knew it would be another day still before Erika proudly returned without missing a single grain, which was fine... but now she was regretting letting Erika have the rice. She didn't have anything on hand to shove in Lambda's mouth to quiet her down.

Next time it would have to be dirt and sand for Erika. The look on her face after finding out her precious rice, her little toy and one of the only things she had in the world to call her own, had been in Lambda's mouth would be simply _delectable_.

Oh well. There was nothing she could do about it now. Next time for sure though.

"And... Look! Here it is!"

The Witch of Miracles ran a hand through her hair as she watched Lambda make a big fuss of revealing a thin box she clearly had assumed (incorrectly) that Bernkastel hadn't been aware was in the room all morning and afternoon up to now. Bernkastel knew very well what today was, just as much as Lambdadelta did, and she had her own Valentine's Day gift in mind for the excitable witch before her. It was, as she suspected Lambda had likely already considered — absolutely nothing. It would bring her no greater joy than to be given something Lambda had worked on just for her, only to reward those efforts with nothing at all but a condescending sneer and a laugh.

Lambda probably had some ridiculous notion that she might "win" if Bernkastel didn't get her anything in return, but that just wasn't how it worked, now was it?

The winner was obviously whoever got the most out of this.

"Well? Aren't you going to open it?" And there Lambda was, still holding out this thin box, wrapped in pink and even more wrapping paper. It was as ridiculous looking as Lambdadelta herself. Look how proud she looked... It was cute. Like a cat that had mistakenly brought a dead bird to its master. "It's for just for you, Bern."

Bernkastel wondered if she should break whatever was inside... But after a moment's consideration, she ultimately decided against it. She had been getting hungry for some time now anyway, and considering Lambda had already gone this far knowing just how likely it was she would get nothing in return, probably even partially _hoping_ for such an end... Bernkastel couldn't help but wonder if she could get Lambda to hand feed her too. Wouldn't that make for a lovely holiday?

"Beeern!" Oh, look at poor Lambda, getting _impatient_ now. Her hands were on her hips and she was tapping her foot impatiently. If only she knew what Bernkastel had been thinking in that moment — she might have been singing a different tune then. "If you don't hurry this up, I'll dip you in marshmallows, wrap _you_ up extra tight, and let you slowly suffocate like my poor gift to you is right now. Doesn't that sound romantic, Bern?"

The witch laughed darkly.

"Fine, fine... We have all day, you know." The blue haired girl of an endless lifetime shook her head. Lambda's suggestion, made in her frustration as it had been... did sound rather pleasant, though. She'd have to remember it for a rainy day. "Why rush things? But if you insist..."

Still smirking just a little as her thoughts returned to the idea of Lambda feeding her, the threat of Bernkastel biting at her like a rebellious kitten ever present, Bernkastel peeled away the wrapping and opened up the little box within. As expected, an assortment of candies awaited her, all wrapped just as hideously as the box had been.

"_Finally_." While her hands were still placed on her hips, the expression on Lambdadelta's face began to return to its usual mischievous one. Raising one hand, she waved her finger at Bern as though she were chiding a child. "Was that so hard, Bern? I worked hard on these, you know, just for the person I love soooo much...! You have to be honest with me. Don't hold back anything, even though it's me!"

"Oh? I don't hold back _because_ it's you." Bernkastel resisted the urge to snort at the mock-affronted look Lambda offered her, instead turning her gaze to the candies. Typical, expected Valentine's chocolates. She wasn't particularly disappointed or grateful, really, though she hoped they weren't awful... Depending on what kind of chocolate Lambda had used, a better tea might be in order for eating these... She'd know in a moment, she supposed, thinking to herself as she unwrapped the first candy. It looked... oddly boring — and there was Lambda, simply silently watching her in anticipation. She'd better get this show on the road. "Hah... Look at you. Fine... Bottoms up."

The blonde's eyes sparkled in delight as the blue haired witch took a bite of the candy she had worked so, _so _hard to make for her. Watching the witch chew, Lambda's smile stretched wider and wider and wider, spreading from ear to ear as Bernkastel's expression slowly began to change. It went from mildly disinterested to mildly satisfied, but from _there_...

To see the Witch of Miracles _choking_? Oh, it was a good thing she hadn't spit it out, for Lambda wouldn't allow _any_ of her precious candy to be wasted, but to see her Bern _choking_ on it? This would be a memory she would treasure forever.

"Lambda..." Bernkastel didn't seem to share Lambdadelta's opinion at the moment. Wiping the back of her mouth to clear away any rogue saliva, the witch reached for her teacup to finish what had remained of its contents. Something about that chocolate had been... No, it was whatever the filling was. That was it... It had been impossibly sweet, far more than any piece of chocolate had any right being. "What in the world did you put in this? It's..."

The Witch of Certainty's grin would have made the Cheshire Cat flee in fear. An all too appropriate analogy, considering that tail of Bern's Lambda liked to paw at.

"Ohhhhh, it's _nothing_, Beeern..." Laughing openly now, the witch slowly approached the still seated Bernkastel, leaning in close to whisper in her ear, enjoying the wary, uncertain aura her oldest foe was radiating. It was going _just_ as she had hoped it would! Wasn't Valentine's Day wonderful? "Isn't this the holiday where you're supposed to give your heart to the person you love? Why are you acting surprised that I'm giving you some of mine?"

For a brief moment, the blue haired witch seemed confused by Lambda answering her question by repeating something she probably had read in an advertisement, some cheap Valentine's Day rag giving the inept lines and other idiotic things to do to get through the holiday... but Lambda was neither inept nor idiotic. She was about to snap at the blonde, who was looking at her like Christmas had come early — or like Valentine's Day had come — but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was missing something obvious, that she had misunderstood Lambda's meaning...

And then she realized what the obvious meaning of that typical cliche line — for Lambdadelta anyway — actually would be for the two of them. As she slowly realized just what she had eaten, Bernkastel's eyes widened in surprise, her teacup clattering onto the floor to become forever forgotten shards of glass, before a devilish, almost _gleeful_ sneer spread across her lips. Fully aware of what she was doing now, she took another piece of candy from the box and violently stripped away the bit wrapping paper shielding it from her, eyes not leaving Lambda's for a moment as she bit down hard into it, savoring the taste all the more now that she knew just what it was in the center of this piece of chocolate that she was eating.

It seemed as though Lambdadelta had won after all. Not that Bernkastel was going to let her do it without a fight, of course. Not at _all_.

"Do you like them?" Now that it was out in the open just what Lambda had done — and why she had needed so _many_ knives and _all_ that needle and thread to fix herself once she had finished — she just _had_ to know. "You like them, right?"

"Lambda, you shouldn't even have to ask such a question." There was a pause to make room for the _crunch_ of yet another piece of chocolate heart being smashed between Bernkastel's teeth. Another moment still for chewing, following by an exaggerated swallow — was it to make Lambda wait all the more to hear her answer, or to extend the show she was offering Lambda? Both possibilities, maybe...? "I _love_ them... _But_..."

The blonde's expression faltered. She tilted her head in confusion, about to voice a complaint, when Bernkastel, a particularly devious look in her eye, placed a finger on the witch's lips to silence her.

"Lambda... If you wanted to be inside of me _that_ badly, don't you know there are much better ways...?" The change in Lambdadelta's composure was as instantaneous as it was magnificent to watch. Just like Bernkastel wanted. "Now... Shall I take those fingers of yours for myself after all...?" Bernkastel let the question hang in the air, watching in sadistic pleasure as she saw the gears starting to turn in little Lambda's head. She couldn't wait to rip them out of the machine and break them in half — why wait? "I could chop them up and put them into cookies. Or maybe I could try frying them... I've heard about fried candy bars, but I've never tried one before. Want to be my first, Lambda...?"

While it was somewhat enticing, Lambdadelta felt a little put off after Bernkastel led her on in such a devious way — though that was just another thing she loved about the other witch, so she couldn't be _too_ angry. Especially when Bernkastel was taking more of her candy even now, eating the candy hearts with a look of satisfaction that would calm Lambdadelta in the worst of moods, knowing it was her that had caused it.

"You... At least fry _all_ of me...!" Pouting just a little, Lambdadelta sighed in disappointment. Bern had _totally_ killed the mood she'd gotten going there... Which was just like her to do, but...!

As if reading Lambdadelta's mind, after finishing off the last of Lambdadelta's chocolate heart delight, the Witch of Miracles turned her gaze towards the Witch of Certainty, a spark in them that hadn't been there a few moments prior.

"Now then..." Leaning back into the couch she had been seated on, Bernkastel quirked a brow. For all intents and purposes, the looked more like a reclining cat than the fearsome witch she was — even her tail had taken to swaying back and forth a little, as if it was teasing Lambdadelta... Was this a trick? "Lambda... Come here. I think it's time I gave you your Valentine."

"Oh _Bern..._! You didn't have to get anything for me..." This was all too clearly a lie, for reasons that were even clearer than that. "Just getting to watch you chew me up, knowing that I'll have a little part of me inside of you _forever... _That's more than I could _ever_ ask for." _That_, however, may not have been. Regardless, the witch was true to her nature, for despite her words, she looked more excited and curious than humble. "If you _insist, _though, it _would_ be so _rude_ to refuse you, wouldn't it? So? What did you get me, Bern? Did you make me something? Or maybe..."

Rather than speaking, the blue haired witch simply ran one hand through her hair, a low chuckle escaping her lips as she tugged the blue ribbon below her neck away, letting it fall to the floor and tugging at her dress' collar next. She shook her head to become more comfortable as her dress became just a little looser, eyes challenging Lambda to say something as the other witch joined her on the couch.

"B-Bern...?" Lambdadelta watched in hungry fascination as she seated herself next to Bernkastel, all sorts of ideas racing through her mind as she watched Bernkastel, whose slow movements were enough to make Lambdadelta just want to _pounce! _"What are you doing?"

The Witch of Miracles laughed.

"Isn't it _obvious_, Lambda? I'm not going to just _let you_ win this — you gave me some of your heart... So now I'm serving you some of mine." Bernkastel pulled even more, offering even more of her fair skin to the other witch. Lambda's eyes widened in surprise at this display, before they lit up in recognition as an ecstatic, wolfish smile erupted on her face. Seeing that she was being understood, Bernkastel couldn't help but giggle. Lambda was so _predictable_... Not that she was complaining. She had danced around Lambda's palm quite a bit herself after all... But for now... She was going to be dancing around inside a different part of Lambda _very_ soon. "Here."

Forgoing what little was left of this needless foreplay, Bernkastel chose to tear away the front of her dress outright.

"_Eat me_."


End file.
